


Lost in a Sea of Uncertainty

by Dream_Was_Found



Series: Angst Oneshots [3]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Dream doesn't know what he wants, Dream messes up a speedrun, Dream wants to live up to people's expectations, Dream worries too much about what others think about him, Gen, Good Friend Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Mental Breakdown, Sapnap cares about Dream, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27299626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dream_Was_Found/pseuds/Dream_Was_Found
Summary: Dream is the best player...right? Shouldn't he be perfect? How could he fail a simple thing he has done hundreds of times before in the game? Dream can't shake off the responsibility of living up to other's expectations and fails to acknowledge his own mental well being.
Series: Angst Oneshots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1911994
Comments: 2
Kudos: 111





	Lost in a Sea of Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> TW: self-esteem issues, mental breakdown, anxiety issues
> 
> \---
> 
> AN: In no way does this reflect the real Dream as a person, this is just a fictitious scenario based off of his internet persona. If anyone in the fic feels uncomfortable then I will immediately take this down.

“Frick frick frick,” I whispered underneath my clenched teeth, sucking in a sharp inhale as I watched myself in game get tossed a hundred blocks in the air by the Ender Dragon. My heart seemed as if it sped up on drastic increments each time I saw the Twitch chat zoom past in the corner of my eye. People were watching, a lot of people in fact and I would be lying if I said it didn’t faze me. I always used to claim that one of the things that made me a good Minecraft player was my ability to play under stress, but now...I wasn’t so sure.

_ Oh god I shouldn’t have streamed today, I should’ve ended this run earlier. I should’ve trusted my gut when I woke up with feelings of dread and anxiety.  _ I could feel a small bead of sweat drip down my forehead and would’ve laughed at any time about it except for now. Because people were right when they called me a “sweaty” tryhard, that I was too competitive and that Minecraft was just a game. Of course I already knew all these things, I put in extra effort to not seem like some prideful asshole but could never succeed in the heat of the moment. 

My attention was drawn back to my computer screen as I saw my character land on top of one of the obsidian pillars, negating the heavy fall damage I would’ve taken if I hadn’t landed where I stood right now. “Oh my god,” I breathed. “The run could’ve just ended right there. Why didn’t I have my water bucket in my hotbar? I’m an idiot.” I half-heartedly chuckled, trying to show the stream that I was in a good mood but also laugh at my own stupidity at the same time.

I glanced back at the chat as I stood there on top of the pillar, waiting for my health to regen. I grimaced at the viewer count, 70 thousand was a lot for when I was only speedrunning. The chat was scrolling past so fast that my eyes couldn’t keep up with it and I could only catch glimpses of the messages that were flying by. My eyes darted back and forth between my monitors, trying to focus on both the game and my chat. I could feel my heart beating all the way up in my ears; the pace was one of a nervous man, someone who felt as if they were going to break soon.

**YOU CAN DO IT.**

_ I can do it.  _ I took in a deep breath as I took my eyes off the chat, switching to the water bucket in my hotbar.

**YOU GOT THIS.**

_ I got this.  _ I pressed my middle finger against the W key, moving closer to the edge of the pillar.

**WE BELIEVE IN YOU.**

_ I think I can believe in myself.  _ I gulped as I looked down at the ground below, feeling slightly dizzy even though it was just in the game.

**YOU’RE DOING AMAZING.**

_ I’m doing okay.  _ One more tap forward sent me hurtling down towards the ground, the endstone looking more intimidating than I would’ve ever thought.

**LET’S GO DREAM.**

_ I don’t think I’m ready.  _ My palms felt disgustingly sweaty against my mouse and my finger was twitching as it hovered over the right click.

**WE’RE SO PROUD OF YOU.**

_ I’m not.  _ Time seemed to slow down when I collided against the ground, the familiar sound of it resonating in my head. 

I was in total shock as I blankly stared at the death screen, the phrases “You died!” and “Dream fell from a high place” seemed to float off of the screen and mix together into a jumbled mess. A mess that resembled the state of my chat, letters and words combining and separating simultaneously in a blur. 

_ It’s too much. _

“Did I just...die?” My voice was filled with disbelief as I sat back in my chair, not even bothering to respawn. What was the point anymore? Respawning wouldn’t save this dead run. Respawning sure as hell wouldn’t save his reputation.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!” I yelled in frustration, taking my headphones off to toss them onto the ground. My fingers were running through my hair, pulling at the blond strands furiously as I hung my head, I couldn’t bear looking at the death screen anymore.  _ You died you died you died I died I diedIdied. I fucking died. _

“I seriously missed a MLG water bucket? Are you kidding me? No...nonono...It was the lag that’s at fault here, there’s no way I could’ve messed up such a simple thing. It has to be something with my PC or my mouse; I pressed right click! I swear to god I did. What the fu-frick?” I should’ve kept my eyes on a leash, harnessing them before they wandered too far, so far that I wouldn’t be able to contain myself. But it seemed as if the world was persistently wanting me to act out like the idiot I was when I found myself staring directly at the torrent of messages in my chat.

**EXCUSES.**

_ Shit. _

“Jesus fucking christ of course I know I’m a sore loser, an overcompetitive manchild who loses his shit at even the slightest of defeat. You don’t have to tell me that I’m making excuses, I know I am. I’m not stupid. Today’s just an off day...okay chat? I’ll see you guys next stream. Goodbye.” 

With a single click I ended the stream, not even bothering to raid anyone in my current mood. An ocean of emotions crashed down upon me, feelings of frustration stinging my eyes and disappointment entering into my lungs. The feeling of sand underneath my feet was far from comforting, each grain forming into shards of glass and piercing through my skin.  _ I deserve this...I deserve this for being so immature, a sore excuse for a human being. I’m an alien, aren’t I? Haven’t I been estranged from society? I don’t like the way everyone looks at me. I didn’t ask to be put up on this pedestal, miles above the ground with no sign of escape or safety. It’s cold up here, I don’t like how the gusts of wind threaten to push me off this pedestal. I’ve been fighting it every day but I’ve been getting so tired and sick of it; I just want it to take me already. _

A high-pitched sound had caught my attention and I tore myself away from the world I had created in my mind. The ringing persisted until I picked up my phone to answer Sapnap’s call. 

**“Dream? You there?”**

“Yeah,” I curtly replied.

**“Oh, okay. So...are you good man? I saw what was going on the stream and it’s okay Dream. It’s an easy mistake, everyone is bound to slip up sometimes, no biggie. So why are you upset? It’s just a game-”**

“It isn’t ‘just a game’ Sapnap, it’s my entire fucking career. Unless you were talking about this shitty game called life; I hate to break it to you, but I’ve already lost, there’s no saving me.” I nervously picked at my hands, finding small bursts of relief with every extra bit of skin that I tore from my fingers. It was satisfying to see tiny beads of blood well up in the corners of my fingers and trail down the length of my fingernails.

**“Okay, I’m sorry—What do you mean lost? Why can’t I ‘save you?’ What’s going on, Dream? Please, I just want to help...that’s all I want to do.”**

“You can’t change how much of a disappointment I am Sapnap.”

**“Dream! You are not a disappointment. Wh-”**

“STOP IT!” I screamed into my mic, voice raw from the constant frustration I could feel seeping into every orifice of my body. “Stop trying to make me feel better; I know I’m a disappointment, you can never change that about me Sapnap. I’m just tired...so fucking tired of fitting into this mold everyone wants me to be when I’m just  _ not.  _ Just no matter how hard I try I can never be perfect, not even adequate, there’s always something wrong with me.” I wiped away at the tears using my sleeve, a slight sob catching in my throat. I didn’t want Sapnap to hear that I was crying, I would rather die than let one of my best friends know that I was a coward. A pathetic coward.

**“Oh Dream...Hey man, no one can be perfect, okay? The expectations you think everyone has of you are unrealistic, you’re a human, just like everyone else. You’re a person. You can make mistakes and learn from them. And...if you can’t get back up we’ll help you, we’re here for you Dream. Your mental health and well-being is important.”**

“I…” A strange sensation I couldn’t describe began to tingle and writhe in my bones. Was it doubt? Disappointment? Stress? Fear? How could I know if I didn’t even know myself. Images of another me plagued my mind, showing what my life could’ve been if I hadn’t chosen this path. Lonely, without fans to cheer me up, a dying sense of accomplishment, failure…  _ But how is this any better?  _ I bitterly thought.  _ I’m surrounded, but it’s too fucking crowded. I’m not sure if I even enjoy the attention anymore, it’s just stressful and I don’t know how much more I can handle this. I’m busy...so busy I never have time to myself without a hint of this online life I had chosen.  _ “It hurts to exist sometimes. Funny isn't it? How someone like me can feel even a bit of negativity? I have everything, so why do I feel like this?”

**“Your feelings are valid Dream. You feel what you feel and anyone else’s take on the matter is insignificant. If you’re stressed, you should take a break...yeah?”**

“I can’t just leave my fans-”

**“Yes you can, they’ll understand. You have your own life outside of this too and they need to take that into account. Don’t let it get to you too much.”**

“I guess…”

**“Everything’s gonna be alright...okay?”**

_ I really do want to believe that, I really do...but how long can I keep this up? When will I break? I’m already half broken, just barely holding together with the support of my friends. There’s more than 12 million people behind my back but...why do I feel so...alone? _

**“Dream?”**

“Yeah, o-okay,” I stammered, stumbling over words that I didn’t even believe myself. Who was I trying to convince that I was okay...everyone else or myself? My grip on my phone tightened, the voice that came out of my mouth was laced with both uncertainty and false confidence.

“Everything’s gonna be  _ alright _ .”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic feels pretty lackluster I'm not going to lie, I've been sitting on it for a couple weeks and I just had to finish it before it got lost in the pile of unfinished works.


End file.
